Musk and Trump Call-Off Joint Birthday Bash

Pop the balloons and stomp the cake down the shower drain… It's unofficial.

The rumored joint-birthday bash between two of this century's leading attention seekers may not be proceeding as… "planned?" Leaving the world at large to wonder, "What could've been?" "What happened to the former 'it' pals?" and "What kind of cake were they going to have?"

As the two billionaire philanderers share a birth month, rumors of a joint celebration have begun to swirl ever since the pair went public with their bromance in February of this year.

Between then and their recent falling out, the two had been inseparable 'besties,' with the president-elect going so far as to skirt presidential decorum, jurisprudence, and SEC regulations to show his deep regard for his 'besty.'

A rumor fanned by the fervent tattling of White House staff and visiting foreign dignitaries. Those close to the pair noted that they would often be seen sitting on the floor of the Oval Office, scissors in hand, cutting out anything that caught their party-planning fancy from back issues of Martha Stewart Weddings & Celebrations and The Knot.

With the Lincoln bedroom converted into Party Central, the two would often lock themselves away into the wee hours of the morning in contemplative glee, scrutinizing every aspect of their plan to the finest detail.

Swaths of linen for table runners were piled high and caressed often to assay peak softness. 200+ red ties designed by the world's top designers and assembled by Bangladesh's finest 'haberdashers' filled the drawers. The carpet was clogged with chicken nugget detritus and sweat from all-night party-planning sessions. Spirits were high...

...then dashed. As the world well knows, a rift between the pair formed and widened. Those of us still reeling from the whirlwind of Brangelina not 5-10 years earlier are crestfallen. Surely, the millionaire president-elect who has weathered countless personal bankruptcies can make amends with the former SolarCity CEO?

The fallout came in mid-April 2025, when White House staff noticed that Trump had failed one morning to extend a full military salute to Musk while the latter was busy working in the Oval Office. A customary greeting between the president-elect and the billionaire verified Twitter user.

Later in the week, the pair returned from their typical McDonald's luncheon, visibly frustrated with one another. Sources within the White House noticed over the preceding weeks that Musk's disdain for the president-elect's proclivity for the American fast-food chain was growing.

Bic Luminer, a White House staff cook rendered obsolete in the past six months by the aforementioned fast-food chain, went on record:

Well, yeah, they were bickering kinda in the hall there, I was busy doing...stuff around the...kitchen, and well, ugh, Musk, well, he asked Trump, the president, right, he asked him where he wanted to eat. Trump just kinda shrugged and said "I don't care," and then Musk kinda, like, he sighed and shook his head and suggested a few places, and Trump, I mean the president, Trump, right, he kept shrugging and saying "yeah, sure, that's fine." Then Musk kept asking if they should go somewhere else, and he asked what was wrong a couple of times, and then asked about a different restaurant, but Trump kept saying "sure, whatever, that's fine" and then Musk was all "okay, well we're going to this new place." It's this little bistro off of...shit, where is it, it's like just off D-street, near Massachusetts Ave. Anyway, they leave, but like 20 minutes later, they're back with McDonald's bags. Which is crazy 'cause, like, Trump opened his own McDonald's here last time he was president-elect...right downstairs beside the bowling alley.

Later that same day, rain fell hard. Unseasonable rain for Washington, DC, that time of year. The downpour, an apt metaphor and rhythmic soundtrack for the pair's tumultuous end. While Musk packed up the Oval Office, Trump attempted to incinerate the party planning materials in a dumpster on the White House's south lawn. An act that would prove invaluable for satisfying the world's curiosity.

It was to be a fête that would have enticed the tabloids and conspiracy theorists for days, if not weeks. Or, at least until the two make up by launching another mutually beneficial crypto rug pull.

But what—you may find yourself asking—was planned for this all-out, billion-dollar mega-birthday bash?

Well, ask no further, netizen, as AYU has obtained a moist and charred draft of the tandem's party plan! And, as far as our financial auditing department was able to ascertain, there were going to be no expenses spared.

The setting. A former mutual acquaintance's property in the U.S. Virgin Islands. To coincide with the prevailing theme of their chum's island, the party had a loose Grecian theme. ...The Virgin Islands offered attendees everything—including, it seems, the island’s namesake.

In keeping with the theme, we request all participants to wear chitons or peplos. And to "please bring something weather-appropriate for your eromenos/eromenē."

The guest list. It would have made Jeff Bezos' wedding attendees look like a pack of puritan bores. Many of whose work releases were well underway by the time things soured.

In attendance will be several of North America's and English-speaking Europe's top Christian officials, including cardinals, archbishops, and bishops of renown. Please extend to them your sincerest welcome.

To eat. The finest dishes from around the world:

…Succulent Cambodian suckling pig with soy-glazed baby corn. Zimbabwean milk-fed veal cutlets, with baby corn and petit pois. Braised Filipino cabrito with spring greens and pea shoots. Roast poussin from French Polynesia with new potatoes and cornichon vinaigrette.

Additionally, the service staff will conduct frequent mainland excursions to ensure a sufficient level of McDonald's foodstuffs is on hand, including ample Happy Meals.

Please inform us of any allergies and/or strong food aversions.

The entertainment. A veritable 'rogue's gallery' of America's top immured recording artists.

The opening night showcases a 'Pop-Rap Opera' in 31+29 movements, with words and performance by Ian Watkins, P. Diddy, and R. Kelly.
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Comedy the following evening, enough to laugh off the shame of the preceding night's shame and horror. Chris D'Elia and Bill Cosby's take on classic Black v. White tropes will be open to all ages!

Party favors. No one was to leave home without one! Schematics recovered with the discarded party plans show they would have been unlike anything ever done before.

As a memento for all in attendance, a meta-virtualized video experiment directed by Roman Polanski and Bryan Singer will stream directly to all attendees' brains after leaving the island via Neuralink.

Each personalized neural video experience will include highlights of the trip and a 'shared experiences folder.' And narration by Kevin Spacey.

AYU recovered a receipt for over 32 pairs of extra-small handcuffs with the discarded party plan. It is AYU's belief that these were intended as keepsakes that the attendees could gift to their children once they returned home and likely represented familial bonds.

The minds of political pundits and conspiratorial podcasters will run rampant with 'what could have been?' for a long while yet. Until then, speculation will reign supreme, at least until it's confirmed that Trump and Musk have blown out the candles on their BTC-shaped cake. Hand in hand, together.

And when that happens, AYU will be there with the forks.